I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
