Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
