God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
