I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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