fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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