I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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