As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
