nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
