3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
