I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize