just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
