Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
