please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
