My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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