I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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