I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
