half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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