Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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