This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
