they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
