Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
