o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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