Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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