You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Send help, water and tortillas.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
