Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
