got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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