Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
