Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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