I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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