i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
