I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
