I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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