you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
