the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
