I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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