im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
