ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
