Cold hands, warm shart.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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