Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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