who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It's never too late to be topless.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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