Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
