im having a threesome with these popsicles
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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