I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
