This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
