I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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