When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
We smell like vodka and hangover
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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