My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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