yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
