C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
