You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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