Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
