Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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