no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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