Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
